Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
True strength comes from lack of pants
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
