I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
