so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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