can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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