I met the friendliest cop last night
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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