Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There r osticjed everywhere
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
