i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
