I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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