Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
