Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
