Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
