flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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