life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Randomize
