Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
