mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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