Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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