I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
