i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
