Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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