This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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