I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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