i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
