Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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