Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
