okay pat passed out under dana's car
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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