I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
