I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
