btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
home. puking in laundry basket.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
