I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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