Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
