At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dick very happy bro
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
