he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
