So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
