please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
