Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
