Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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