last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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