she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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