i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
