I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
