So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Of course I have a pirate flag
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
