I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
