I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
