I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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