if you like me you must not know who I am
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My penis needs a shock collar
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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