I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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