The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
