you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
