Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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