I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
