she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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