i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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