the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She bit a glass in half.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
