I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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