Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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