Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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