Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
